I sit here, on my bed, with headphones in my ears. soundproof headphones. no music playing. nothing. just no noise... nothingness.
I feel like I can't even hear myself think these days, I have 800 different opinions filling my brain.
I knew who I was when I came here, and I thought I was continuing to grow, change, and mature into the woman God wants me to be but it seems I have hit a roadblock. This stinks. My quiet times are rushed and filled with wayyyy too many requests. I continue to plead with God instead of listening to Him. I want Him to show me so much, I want to be in his will so bad, that I'm over-thinking everything. I always over-think everything.
I don't know how to stop. I think too much about thinking too much. how does that even make sense!!!?
My name should be Cathy, Chatty Cathy, because I have felt the need to talk soooooo much. Maybe it is because yesterday and the day before, I was sick, and I didn't talk that much... well yesterday, I didn't really talk at all, until last night when I wasn't sleeping. Talking isn't bad, itself, but it's when you keep talking about stupid pointless things that you think too much about and then you stick your foot in your mouth... yeah that has happened multiple times today. many times. quite a few. dumb.
Life is getting so complicated. Or maybe I just make it overcomplicated?
I think I need to chill out.
Take a chill pill.
Maybe I just need a vacation.
A vacation from my brain!
Ah ha! YES!
I'm sorry to whoever is reading this... I really probably should get a journal, so I'm not wasting your time.
Also, in a journal I could write down specific things that I need to vent to myself about. I guess having a journal makes sense. Ahg. I just don't think I'm the type to journal. I mean i would, but i can't.
I've already talked about why I can't journal. so i'm not going back into that. Read my earlier posts if you are curious.
Wow, it's really nice, just having peace and quiet in my head. I love these headphones right now, they are really allowing me just to escape the world. Oh, and I just remembered that mom got me ear plugs! I think I'll start using those during my quiet times... :)
Anyways, back to what God has been showing me... I rely WAY too much on what other people think about me and being a people pleaser. I let people completely walk over me and I don't ever say anything about it. I let other peoples opinions rule in my life, not necessarily in what I actually think, no, I never let another's persons opinion actually change who I am, but I do allow it to change the way I act. I think that it's easier to be who people want me to be rather than be rejected for who I am. that is NOT good. Not at all. I hate that I think that. I am Jaime Skilling, and I need to be who God created ME to be, not who all these random people in my life want me to be! I'm so done with this.
So to all you people out there who want to control my life, tell me that you know God's will for my life, try to explain to me the right thing to do, how to act, what to say, what I'm doing wrong,
STOP!
I have been hurt too much, too deeply by you. You can not control me any longer, I will not believe the lies that you have instilled so deeply into my head. Your words are nothing in comparison to what my Heavenly Father thinks of me! I am a precious child of God and my Father can and will protect me and keep me through anything this world throws at me.
I am going to be above these thoughts, Satan can no longer use your words to hurt me, to bring me down.
From now on, I am going to stand above others thoughts of me, I am only going to turn to God's opinion and His alone. I will seek wise counsel, but I will not be affected by the negativity and discouragement of this dark world. I am God's princess and I need to start acting like it.
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior... Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life; do not be afraid for I am with you..." -Isaiah 43:1-5
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